Is that what I really heard?

So Im not sure if this is part of the denial stuff or not, but I had a dream that all of this was a misunderstanding. That Kaesyn really does not have hydrocephalus, that I just though thats what they said. Soo I wake up and its all I can think about. Im all of the sudden not sure if thats what they REALLY said. At first it was it was "mild" then it was "borderline" and its not effecting him in anyway.

So how come all of the sudden his eye movement and position makes sense. How come when I look into eye disorders, and I find his the cause of it is HYDROCEPHALUS. Or am I just crazy? Is that just me trying to gather what to expect at all of our 4 potentially life changing appointments? But if it is the case, how come the neurologist had no idea why Kaesyns eyes are like this, or does he know and wanted someone else to tell me? If he thinks that there is no way to treat Kaesyns hydrocephalus, why are we seeing a neurosurgeon? If Kaesyns hydrocephalus is "mild" or "borderline" and it will "resolve" itself then how come he doesnt think he can handle the care of Kaesyn and send us to someone else? Is it that he really doesnt know? Its such a confusing, indescribable feeling.
I now know that my life will never be the same, and then I Feel guilty for grieving that idea, because this really is not about me, is it? Even if we go to the ophthamologist, neurosurgeon,cardiologist, ENT, Pulmonilogist, and The GI dr and they all say they are sure there is nothing we can do, because everything will be just fine, I have still been told Kaesyn has multiple disorders, the rest of my life has changed, I will most likely worry and over react regardless of how they reassure me. There is no reason a perfectly healthy normal 1 year old needs 9 speciailists. Maybe there is, but in my head there is no reason for it. I Feel crazy, as I say in almost all of my posts. I really cant help but to put my life on hold to figure this out.Dont get me wrong, I still count my blessings, we still have fun, but no matter how hard I try to not think or talk about this I cant. Its all I talk about, its alls I think about. I know people get tired of hearing about it, but I cant help it. Im ready to accept it one way or another and move on with my life. I hope that Im over reacting and things arent really this bad. I really hope I did hear them wrong and he doesnt have hydrocepalus. I hope he has or will out grown the TBM. I hope that next time this year I look back wondering what the hell I was worried about. I hope that I can do that 2 months from now.
Well heres off to a new day, new smiles and more joy!


Live simply,Love generously,Care Deeply,Speak Kindly,Leave the rest to God