When I found out I was going to raise Gabby on my own, and it was just the two of us almost 8 years ago, it scared me. I got over the fear REALLY quick, as I knew we were a team and we would conquer the world together. Just Gabby and myself. The first year I became a mother was the best year ever. I remember looking at her for the first time and never ever felt so much love ever. Because I had an emergency csection, I did not get to see her for long. In recovery I got to hold her and I did not care that I had just been cut open. I remember kissing her a million times and telling her I love her, and her big eyes just stared right back. I had a thousand images go through my head with a period of 5 seconds of what my life meant now, and all the amazing stuff her and I would endure together. I had never knew what loving someone this much meant, I never knew what being loved that much meant. (Even though now as a mom, my mom felt the same way Im sure). Although I Felt robbed of the all natural birth plan I had I didnt care, my beautiful daughter who was now the heart outside of my body was safely placed in my arms and not one thing was wrong about her. Within two weeks of falling in love like I never though I would, I had to leave her to go to high school. Ohhh high school. I hated leaving her to go to school with a bunch of kids who had no idea what life was about or partying it up every weekend. I would have to sometimes go to school with spit up on my shirt, in my hair, or pee on my pants. I did not care, that was a reminder of what I got to go home to and I did not care for one second. When Gabby was 11 months old, I decided it was time to move into our apt. I am sure I had never felt more proud of myself. We had gotten that far by ourselves. It really was just her and I now, just her and I. She became my best friend my everything. Those were the best days of my life. Working a full time job and having to take her to daycare was the hardest thing I had to do, but I did it. FOR HER. Hearing people making comments on how I could do things different, or the things I did that they didnt agree with never bothered me. I had an awesome daughter, and I knew for sure the our family, made up of just two of us, was amazing. I was a young mom, I was a first time mom, I had to learn a lot in a little bit of time. Of course we have overcome many many obstacles in the almost 7 years she has been mine. But those were my favorite years. When we moved to Kansas when she turned 3, I slid off track. I turned 21 as a single mom and I was going through a major break up and trying to find myself. Its no excuse, but partying and my friends seemed to have taken the best of me for a few months. Which is how Kaesyn is here, I dont take that back, he is the other heart I have on the outside of my body. He is just as amazing, and we have a special bond Gabby and I dont, but Gabby and I have a special bond that Kaesyn and I dont. I never in a million years thought we would be here. She is almost 7, and such an amazing beautiful young lady. She is growing up so fast, I think back to that first moment we stared into eachothes eyes and fast forward to know and I can not help but wonder how the hell we got here. We were never supposed to disagree. I was never supposed to send her to her room, I was never supposed to beg and plead for her to just help me with something around the house, we were supposed to be a team, we were supposed to best friends that laughed and played and take over the world together. Now she acts as if she hates me. She blames everything on me. We are poor, and its my fault she said. This morning, she got up, and I told her that the basement light was out and I didnt know how I was going to change it. Together we figured out a way, she held the candles so I could see and I quickly changed the light bulbs and we quickly ran back up the stairs and high fived eachother. We were a team and a great team. Thats how imagined out whole life. I always wonder where I went wrong, and inside I know that she blames me for a reason, but I have also tried. Is it so hard to see that I tried doing my best. I know that no matter what happens now, we will get through it. I know that she is an amazing little girl, and I love her enough to get through this and to do what I have to do to help her with whatever it is that has lead us to where we are. Its just so hard knowing we no longer have the bond we once had, and it breaks me apart. I am not sure if I have ever hurt so badly.
Some of my favorite photos of my beautiful baby girl
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