Things have been crazy, and as I was going through my blog, I came across a few things I wanted to write about. We have 18 days left of this year, and pretty soon Ill be way overwhelmed with everything and I dont want to forget the last post of this year. Im not even sure where to begin. WOW! 2010 has flown by. As I was going through my old posts, I have realized how far it seems we have gone. It seems impossible that just a year ago we started this adventure with Kaesyn. WOW! ..just WOW!
I never thought Id have to walk this lonely road by myself. I would not have imagined anything being so hard in my life ever. We have met sooo many amazing people and each and everyone of them has inspired me. Each and every one of them has forever ever touched my heart and they will stay there until the day I die.
I know I have said it time and time again, how hard this has been, how crazy I sometimes feel, and how my heart breaks to watch my baby boy at only 2 go through so much. Blood draws, IVs, hours and hours of neb treatments, countless numbers of prescriptions, hospitalizations, oxygen masks, surgeries, special vaccinations.. It seems impossible, it doesnt seem real that such a gorgeous active little 2 year old boy has been through it, no one would ever guess it and Im thankful for that much. He has taught me so much in his 2 years of life.
I have so many emotions, and Im thankful that by reading my blog I can see such a difference in the way things were, for the better. He is doing SOO SOO awesome, however I have doubt that it stays that way. I hope it does, more than anything.
I have ran across so many people that say that they understand, I never get that. Unless you have been there, you can not understand, you DONT WANT to understand how this is. EVER! I have been told it could be worse. It could be worse, yes, and dont get me wrong Im thankful that its not worse. But it is what it is, its still horrible for him to go through, it still crumbles my heart into little itty bitty pieces watching everything that he has to go through. It sucks sucks sucks to not have answers, it sucks to not know what is wrong with your baby, it sucks to have more than one "pending" diagnosis. It sucks wondering whats next. So yes any situation can be worse, and I hope it never gets worse, but we deal with what we are going through now, and no matter what Kaesyn goes through in the future I will always look back with my heart split into two with everything he had to go through. Im not even sure how to explain the feeling I get when someone tells me it can be worse. It makes me angry. Regardless how much worse it can be he still deals with more than any two yesr old should go through. Even now. I cant even tell you what hes been through this past two weeks and hes doing the best hes ever done!
I cant let this take over our life, I have to let him live a normal life, I can not keep him in a bubble, I cant do it. He deserves to be as normal as possible. I can not be mad at the situation. I have learned that I have to be blessed for everything, I have to find positive in every negative thing that we may come across. I never thought it was possible, but I have found more positive in my life now than I ever ever have before. It makes me proud of who I am and who I have become. It makes me proud of both my children. I am sure I have said how proud of Gabby that I Am, shes so great, she handles it so well. Im sure its harder on her than what I know, but she has been so amazing through all of it. She has missed out on so much because Kaesyn had an appt and since theres only one of me she had to miss out. She is okay with that, and that makes me proud. This year has brought me so much closer to my children, friends, my family and most importantly the Lord, he has gotten me through this, he has made me able to see that light at the end of the tunnel. When we would spend a week in the hospital, and I was drained physically and emotionally he got me through that, and because he got me through it I was able to get the kids through it. Its been a hard year, but I Am thankful for everyone we have in our life. This is to 2011 and may it be a brighter road for all of us.
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